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Trump to reopen power plants with coal received for Christmas

During his campaign, President-Elect Donald Trump made the promise to bring back America’s coal industry from its recent decline caused by an increase in renewable energy. Every major news outlet claimed that it would be impossible to bring back those jobs and ineffective to try. According to sources close to the North Pole, Trump’s questionable … Continue reading

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White problems fighting hard against “Problem of Whiteness” course

UW Madison is offering a course this upcoming semester called “The Problem of Whiteness,” which has been met with substantial resistance from the state legislature of Wisconsin. There is a threat from the legislature that offering the course will lead to a funding cut for the University of Wisconsin, and there are demands that the course is … Continue reading

Last remaining lights on at Van Hise shining in night sky like distant beacons of misery
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Last remaining lights on at Van Hise shining in night sky like distant beacons of misery

Students walking to and from parties and other social engagements Saturday evening saw several sad lights on in the upper floors of Van Hise, according to eyewitness accounts. Somewhere between three and five windows remained lighted on the upper floors of the looming building at 11:45 p.m., prompting witnesses to ruminate on what poor, hapless souls … Continue reading

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Wednesdays diagnosed with seasonal depression

Meteorologists have discovered that seasonal depression is the cause of the recent trend of cold rainy Wednesdays that have been occurring throughout recent months. Wednesday reportedly has been struggling with lethargy and a lack of motivation since early October and received this diagnosis after agreeing to meet with a meteorologist. “Yeah, Wednesday’s really been bringing … Continue reading

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Econ professor can’t bring self to call 101 students ‘economists’ today

Students in attendance at an Econ 101 lecture found themselves feeling unusually non-patronized today after their professor experienced an “earth-shattering epiphany.”   Professor Carice D. Nicholson, a tenured member of UW’s Department of Economics and a 20-year veteran of Econ 101, looked at her 9:30 a.m. class and could not bring herself to call her students … Continue reading

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American Heart Association endorses Wendy’s Taco Salad

Struggling to formulate new ideas to combat the ever-rising threat of heart disease, members of the American Heart Association made the decision to endorse Wendy’s Taco Salad claiming that it would be the “gateway food” for healthy eating. “The Taco Salad is a genius food item,” said Henry Maple, the Association’s spokesperson, “Just look at … Continue reading

Trump Supporter, Citing Free Speech, Tells Demonstrators to Shut Up
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Trump Supporter, Citing Free Speech, Tells Demonstrators to Shut Up

Last week, a protest in response to Donald Trump’s election as the 45th President of the United States, marched on downtown Madison. The protest addressed frustration with the result of the presidential election, especially in light of Trump’s multiple demeaning remarks about women, immigrants, African Americans, and Muslims. Around 2,500 people, many of whom are students … Continue reading