During his campaign, President-Elect Donald Trump made the promise to bring back America’s coal industry from its recent decline caused by an increase in renewable energy. Every major news outlet claimed that it would be impossible to bring back those jobs and ineffective to try.
According to sources close to the North Pole, Trump’s questionable actions of 2016 weren’t solely an expression of egotism and bigotry, but were actually an attempt to bring back coal jobs by using the massive amounts of coal he got for Christmas.
The coal miners who lost their jobs aren’t the most excited to get their old jobs back, but Trump’s team is still spinning into this as a positive.
“I’m actually doing pretty well after that coal plant shut down,” ex coal miner Cole Minor said. “I got a job in an office, it’s nice. I really don’t need that job back it’s kind of unnecessary.”
“He’s really everyone’s hero,” ex-campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said. “Every little thing he did to upset someone saved someone else’s job. Every time he used the word ‘pussy’ he allowed someone else to grab their own p-word: their paycheck.”
The sources, calling themselves “not two renegade elves” are coming forward after being involved in a wikileaks scandal involving the release of thousands of scanned pages of the naughty list. Each leaked page consisted of Donald Trump’s name written throughout the entire page, with the penmanship slowly deteriorating as if the writer was being driven insane by the act of writing Donald Trump so many times.
“We really need a better system for punishing bad kids than the naughty list,” Claus said. “I had to outsource Elves to be able to pay for new coal miners, and we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel this year for presents. Thousands of kids on the good list will be getting used pick-axes and helmets for Christmas. We had so many leftover and we had to make ends meet somehow.”
Claus published the naughty list system in an attempt to prove its brokenness. It essentially works as such: if someone says or does something bad, they’re put on the naughty list. If they apologize, they’re taken off the naughty list. If they don’t apologize, they will get one lump of coal for every person hurt or offended by the naughty action. On average, someone on the naughty list gets 6.2 lumps of coal. Donald Trump will be getting so much that there’s only enough coal supply leftover in the world for the naughtier half of murderers and rapists.
“What the hell, man,” one of the marginally better murderers said. “I worked my ass off for that coal. Now I can’t even barbeque my victims!”