Computer Science student creates new computer language to talk to women
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Computer Science student creates new computer language to talk to women

The Computer Science department at UW Madison has been encouraging its students to be more creative with what they code. Student Todd Posney has taken this opportunity to create a new programming language that can help male computer science majors communicate with women. “I just want to understand women,” Posney said. “They’re not like computers, … Continue reading

Alec Cook accepted into Seventh Circle of Hell on scholarship
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Alec Cook accepted into Seventh Circle of Hell on scholarship

Alleged serial rapist Alec Cook’s fears of possible expulsion from University of Wisconsin were eased today when he received an admission offer from another prestigious institution. At approximately 10:30 a.m. Sunday, Cook was offered admission into the Seventh Circle of Hell on full academic scholarship, reports say. Beelz E. Bub, Dean of Admissions at Hell, said … Continue reading

UW students disturbed by number of mutual friends they have with Alec Cook on Facebook
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UW students disturbed by number of mutual friends they have with Alec Cook on Facebook

University of Wisconsin has been shaken up this week by the disturbing report of a sexual assault committed by undergraduate student Alec Cook. Many students quickly searched for Cook on Facebook after reading the report and the majority of the community was absolutely shocked to discover they had several friends in common with the perpetrator. … Continue reading

Stranger Things Hater is Strangest Thing in Room
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Stranger Things Hater is Strangest Thing in Room

Floor 3B in the Witte dormitories is reportedly “shaken up” after a revelation late last Friday night. Controversial freshman Ashley Ritter was the cause for the commotion, as she politicized a otherwise pleasant party by insulting the Netflix sensation “Stranger Things.”  The incident occurred at an eight person rager in room 345. While the party started off on a … Continue reading

Goblinpower to Replace Horsepower as Century’s Arbitrary Unit of Measurement
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Goblinpower to Replace Horsepower as Century’s Arbitrary Unit of Measurement

The scientific community is buzzing this week after German scientists declared that Horsepower is to be replaced at the turn of the upcoming year. “We thought it was time for a change” reported Karl Schultz, the researcher spearheading the project. “Horsepower has been around so long that people were starting to act like it made … Continue reading