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Wednesdays diagnosed with seasonal depression

Meteorologists have discovered that seasonal depression is the cause of the recent trend of cold rainy Wednesdays that have been occurring throughout recent months. Wednesday reportedly has been struggling with lethargy and a lack of motivation since early October and received this diagnosis after agreeing to meet with a meteorologist. “Yeah, Wednesday’s really been bringing … Continue reading

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Remaining cabinet positions to be filled by Disney villains

Following his unexpected election win, President-Elect Donald Trump began the work of hiring over 4000 people to his staff and cabinet. He recently named anti semitic, white supremacist “journalist” Steve Bannon as a senior policy advisor. This has spiked further outrage against Trump, giving substance to the claims that Trump is evil. Rather than trying … Continue reading

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Econ professor can’t bring self to call 101 students ‘economists’ today

Students in attendance at an Econ 101 lecture found themselves feeling unusually non-patronized today after their professor experienced an “earth-shattering epiphany.”   Professor Carice D. Nicholson, a tenured member of UW’s Department of Economics and a 20-year veteran of Econ 101, looked at her 9:30 a.m. class and could not bring herself to call her students … Continue reading

Trump demands rap musical be made about himself as apology for Pence’s treatment
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Trump demands rap musical be made about himself as apology for Pence’s treatment

Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended Hamilton: An American Musical on Friday evening, motivating the significantly diverse cast to address him personally, stating they hoped the show “Inspires him to defend and uphold their inalienable rights.” Trump, at the first sign of minorities speaking out, pounced on the issue and demanded a complete apology, from the … Continue reading

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American Heart Association endorses Wendy’s Taco Salad

Struggling to formulate new ideas to combat the ever-rising threat of heart disease, members of the American Heart Association made the decision to endorse Wendy’s Taco Salad claiming that it would be the “gateway food” for healthy eating. “The Taco Salad is a genius food item,” said Henry Maple, the Association’s spokesperson, “Just look at … Continue reading

Trump Supporter, Citing Free Speech, Tells Demonstrators to Shut Up
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Trump Supporter, Citing Free Speech, Tells Demonstrators to Shut Up

Last week, a protest in response to Donald Trump’s election as the 45th President of the United States, marched on downtown Madison. The protest addressed frustration with the result of the presidential election, especially in light of Trump’s multiple demeaning remarks about women, immigrants, African Americans, and Muslims. Around 2,500 people, many of whom are students … Continue reading

“Safe Space” Set Up for Trump Supporters Who Don’t Feel Comfortable Celebrating in Public
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“Safe Space” Set Up for Trump Supporters Who Don’t Feel Comfortable Celebrating in Public

In the wake of Donald Trump’s shocking presidential victory, many of his supporters have found themselves quieted and uncomfortable, citing that they can’t celebrate his victory without being labeled as racist or misogynistic.  Ensuring that no student felt isolated on their own campus, the UW-Madison community stepped up to provide a “safe space” for these … Continue reading

Bear community offended by Chicago Cubs ‘politically incorrect’ name and logo
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Bear community offended by Chicago Cubs ‘politically incorrect’ name and logo

The Chicago Cubs organization celebrated their first World Series win in 108 years last week by celebrating in the streets of Chicago for days. Despite this joyous occasion, several members of Chicago’s Bear community refused to celebrate in protest. “Look, I’m a long time fan of the Cubbies. I bleed red and blue,” bear activist, … Continue reading

UW botanists selectively breeding campus plants to smell even more like ‘wicked-nasty anus’
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UW botanists selectively breeding campus plants to smell even more like ‘wicked-nasty anus’

Students who’ve previously crinkled their noses at the smell of UW’s decorative campus plants are in for a “wicked-nasty” surprise. Researchers from the UW botany department announced Monday that they will begin selectively breeding the university’s ubiquitous, malodorous, and universally unpopular decorative plants in 2017, with the goal of making said plants smell even more … Continue reading