Op-ed: Keep the Christ in Christmas, and add it to New Years

Christmas time is here, and for the first time since Reagan, people are starting to actually give a darn about the fact that Christ is right there in the title. I think I can speak for all of us when I say THANK GOD. Christians won the battle for Christmas and we deserve a pat on the back. We haven’t won the war, though. There are still dozens of holidays without enough Christ in them, and here’s how we change that.


Jesus wasn’t a dang bunny, capiche? The only eggs he layed were the eggs of salvation, with us as the chickens inside. We need to shy away from the bunny mumbo jumbo and get back to Easter’s roots: the death and resurrection of Jesus. What we need to do is kill our children three days before Easter, like God let his kid get killed, and then after mourning for three, days the kids will come back as a ghost and there’ll be a shindig.

New Years ADAM AND Eve

Staying up late? Kissing? No thank you! Everybody seems to forget the origin of the word eve. It’s right there in the word: EVE. LIKE THE LADY WE ALL CAME FROM. Honoring her by celebrating a new calendar year isn’t enough. The men will build replicas of women with racks of ribs, and the women will get naked and listen to whatever the snakes tell them to do.

Fourth CHRIST of July

I get it, we should honor our founding fathers: Washington, Jefferson, and the others. There’s one founding father we aren’t honoring, however, and it is Jesus Christ, our lord and savior. What does he have to do with fireworks? Well, if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be able to see them. So, instead of having barbecues and watching fireworks, we honor our REAL founding father by replacing the eyes of blind people and giving medicine to lepers. 


Tell people you’re having doubts about religion. It’ll be frickin’ hilarious.

ValenCHRISTtine’s Day
A shameful day, marked with rampant premarital sex, and even more marital sex. To all the unmarried heathens out there: are you serious? Come on. Let’s have some class. You need a priest to tell you if you can have sex. If you want it that bad just ask your priest if it’s ok. To all married couples out there, I salute you.


Like Christmas, but with even more Christ. No more decorations or presents. Not more jolliness or santa or eggnog. The only way to really celebrate is to give birth to a child immaculately conceived in March and to do it in a barn. Also, unmarried men need to wander around with Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Who knows, maybe we’ll get another Jesus!


Do I really have to explain this one to you?


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