Throughout your college career at this wondrous institution, you are bound to excel academically in your chosen field, and develop a critical eye for anything from literary devices to plant morphology. However, it’s no secret that no matter the worth of your degree, older men are the secret to success. If you don’t act, you may miss your shot to scope out the myriad hot dads Madison has to offer. The Misnomer has conducted exceptionally thorough field research to bring you this listicle, so next time you’re cruisin’ for some cuties, you’ll know which kind of DILF you’re dealing with.
- The Fine Professor
This is probably the most common DILF you’ll encounter in your undergrad career, but also the hardest to resist. He’s got it all – intellect, wit, tenure, eternal facial scruff and at least 4 pairs of horn-rimmed glasses in regular rotation – but you might be the last variable needed to complete the equation. You’ll often find this brooding intellectual loosening his tie in his office with a fine single malt scotch, poring over the latest academic journals. Walk in at the right moment, and you could become the discovery he’s waited for his entire career.
- The Game Day Daddy
This DILF can’t be tamed! The GDD spends weekdays in the cubicle to pay off the last of the mortgage, but on the weekend loves to let loose and relive his glory days. He probably has a house in Monona and a 401K just waiting for you. Most often spotted at tailgates, this dad bleeds red and white. He’s got the dad bod down pat, and you’ll find him strutting his stuff clad in a red tee a smidge too tight around waist with khaki cargo shorts to top it off. Add some New Balances to the mix and soon you won’t be able to stay away from this magnetic daddio! The best plan of action is to lure him with the siren song of the keg stand – he craves the chance to prove himself to kids.
- The Dive Bar Dink
This is a dad you want to avoid all costs – a fuckboy in dad’s clothing, if you will. This type hides in plain sight. You know the one 40+ guy in Wando’s on Saturday night who thinks wearing sunglasses indoors is cool? This is him. Don’t be fooled by his gruff charm and strong, veiny hands – this DILF soon disappoints in the financial and sexual realm. The biggest red flag of this DILF-that-was-not-to-be is most likely his speech patterns. Every sentence he speaks to you will contain mostly incoherent grunts with the word “tits” sprinkled somewhere in there. If you find yourself being approached by the DBD, the best course of action is to pretend you don’t understand English. The xenophobia plus aversion to effort runs strong in this one.
- The Lefty Lover
For all you progressives out there worrying about sacrificing your principles for some unbarred DILF affection, there’s hope for you! Madison’s a liberal haven, and if you look in the right place, you can find the socially-conscious silver fox you’ve been dreaming of – and best of all, his male guilt may lead him to give you lots of gifts! Your best bet for finding this dad is at IWW meetings or over at the Willy Street Coop grabbing a freshly-juiced beet shake. Oh, and this type isn’t only passionate about seizing the means of production. Namedrop Guy Debord, and in no time you’ll be causing an uprising down south, if you know what we mean (you do).
- The Young Urban Pappie
This fella falls into the younger spectrum of DILFdom, typically in his early- to mid-30s. You’ve definitely seen this dad speeding around Lake Monona on an ultra light-frame bike or working on his startup at any one of Madison’s independent cafes. The YUPpie lives in his Lycra shorts to show off those tight little buns that survived early dadhood, and constantly flashes his set of impeccably pearly whites. The trick to luring in this dad in is to sit in his line of sight and look thoroughly mesmerised by a copy of Infinite Jest – you won’t even need to know the plot, since he simply can’t help but to explain the entire book to you before bothering to ask you about it. The best perk of this DILF? His kids are young enough that they won’t resent you!
- The Discreet Patriarch
Although he’s classy and well-to-do, this is another one you’d be best off avoiding for the sake of simplicity. This type is usually older and well-off, perhaps sitting on the cusp of retirement. He’s spent his entire adult life working for the American ideal – a wife held together with Botox, two kids at East Coast schools, and a life insurance plan to kill-him-and-cover-it-up for – but in the end, he can’t resist sowing his wild oats. Shack up with this DILF and you’ll almost inevitably end up smack dab in the middle of a daytime soap opera plot. This distressed dad is torn between maintaining the life he’s worked for and abandoning it to release his inner sex demon – the latter almost never prevails, and if it does, there’s a good chance he will have a pulmonary embolism mid-coitus (so awkward!). However, if you play your cards right, you can threaten to air his dirty laundry and get him to transfer his savings to you for years to come!
These are the quintessential DILFs you can expect to encounter in this city upon an isthmus. It may be strange at first, but don’t fear – these days, such age gaps in relationships are as abundant as Madison’s microbreweries. Follow these tips and you’ll be sure to snag the right dad for you. Best of luck chasing some fine fatherly tail out there!