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American Heart Association endorses Wendy’s Taco Salad

Struggling to formulate new ideas to combat the ever-rising threat of heart disease, members of the American Heart Association made the decision to endorse Wendy’s Taco Salad claiming that it would be the “gateway food” for healthy eating.

“The Taco Salad is a genius food item,” said Henry Maple, the Association’s spokesperson, “Just look at it. Wendy’s managed to sneak in vitamin-packed lettuce underneath a toxic pool of sodium, cholesterol, and fats disguised as chili.”

Maple stated that the Association hopes that when customers feel an actual vegetable crunch in their mouths, they’ll reach a “life-changing epiphany” that pushes them to alter their diets for the better. Ultimately, the Association will consider this endorsement a success if it manages to convince Americans to consume their fruits and vegetables from any other source than tomato ketchup and orange Fanta.

“If this endorsement fails, the Association will likely shut down,” concluded Maple. “We’ve run out run out of ideas to persuade Americans that eating a diet consisting of whatever new, mutant, bacon-covered menu item the fast food industry has brought to life is not worth their premature deaths.”

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Three weeks later, the Association conducted a follow-up study in which they discovered that their endorsement helped spike sales for the Taco Salad. However, the study also revealed that 92% of customers only ate the chili and left the lettuce untouched. The other 8% who consumed the lettuce vomited it out after their bodies mistook it for a foreign toxin.

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