Tim Cook announces iPhone 8 just a soap bubble one wrong move away from popping


Apple CEO Tim Cook announced a few weeks ago that the release of the new iPhone in 2017 will include a multitude of new features such as front and back screens made entirely of glass.

“We’ve made some new changes over the past two weeks to the design of the iPhone 8,” Cook said at a tech conference last Wednesday, “we’re gonna make it one of those wobbly soap bubbles that you make when washing the dishes that ends up popping after, like, four seconds.”

People are already getting on the waitlist for this innovative piece of technology.

“He’s a genius,” one UW student said when asked about Cook’s announcement, “it’s like a commentary on how fleeting our world is and how, like, we’re all just so attached to this arbitrary piece of technology that can’t possibly fulfill our deep-seated needs as complex human beings. I pre-ordered twelve yesterday.”

The iPhone 8, dubbed “iWobblySoapBubble 8” by Cook, will no longer include any of the clunky apps users have protested in the past, such as “Stocks” and “iBooks.”  

“Yeah, it actually won’t include any apps,” the off-brand-Steve-Jobs CEO stated, “and it won’t be able to message, FaceTime, or call anyone either. It’s a soap bubble.”

When asked about the fragility of the new phone, Cook responded, “Yeah, that’s the point. People are gonna have to buy so many more now. What’re you, an idiot?”

But, for all you penny-pinchers out there, have no fear. There are plenty of accessories that you can additionally purchase to increase the stability of the new iPhone, such as a pile of suds the iWobblySoapBubble can rest on to increase its lifetime.

The new phone’s expected release date is September 2017, when it will come out in three sizes: a small soap bubble, a bigger soap bubble, and a soap bubble smaller than the first one. The starting price is estimated to be $900.

“To those of you who ask us why, I will answer that question with another: why the fuck not?” Cook said at Wednesday’s press conference, “we could literally spit in your face and put an Apple logo on that spit and you would pay us your year’s salary.”  

Reporters responded to Cook’s comment by absentmindedly nodding and not looking up from their phones.


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