Obama clarifies: “I intend to go to Mars in 2030 by myself”


At the 67th International Astronautical Congress this past September, Elon Musk—CEO of Tesla and lead designer of SpaceX—announced his plan for SpaceX to reach Mars by the year 2026. Soon after, CEO of Boeing Dennis Muilenburg declared that the first spacecraft with humans on it to reach Mars will be a Boeing rocket.

Now, Obama wants in.

After the president’s claim this past week that NASA should be able to send humans to Mars by 2030, Obama supplemented his statement in saying, “Yeah, and by humans, I mean me. Michelle and the kids can come too, if they want.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” the president continued, “I love this whole Space Race 2.0 thing we have going on. It’s pretty funny that every other country is so fucked that America is racing against itself. Could you redact that? Anyway, yeah, I think Mars would be a good getaway for a while. Maybe forever. We’ll see how the 2016 election turns out.”

When asked why Obama wants to be the first human on Mars, Obama responded in saying that he’s “just so fucking done with this country, ya know?” The president plans on training for his mission by exercising for one hour each day, as recommended by his wife and FLOTUS, Michelle Obama.

“She’s always saying ‘Let’s move!’. So I always say ‘Sure honey,’ ‘cause happy wife, happy life, you know?” Obama said to his daughters, Malia and Sasha, Thursday night at the White House dinner table. They chuckled obligatorily in response.

SpaceX, Boeing, and NASA have all responded to Obama’s addendum in the same way: they’re hurrying the fuck up.

“If we could be the first ones to send America’s first black president to Mars, that would be the best day of my life. Fuck, I don’t mean that in, like, a racist way. Ah, shit,” Musk said this past Wednesday at a press conference.

When asked about the president’s plan to go to Mars by 2030, Michelle Obama replied, “He can go to Mars once he figures out how to set up that printer he bought for himself two years ago. Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be leaving anytime soon.”


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