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UW administration reaffirms commitment to not do anything about sexual assault

University of Wisconsin released a statement this week assuring the student body of its pledge to continue to avoid taking any significant action against sexual assault on campus.

I was shocked and saddened to learn that several UW-Madison students have reported being sexually assaulted by a fellow student,” wrote UW’s Vice Provost. “To be honest, I don’t want to deal with this. Can you all tone it down a bit?”

UW-Madison currently has four open federal investigations in connection to complaints of their handling of sexual assault cases, the most recent of which was opened in May of this year. The U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights enforces Title IX, which protects against gender discrimination in educational institutions, requires schools to address complaints of sexual violence and harassment. UW currently is topped only by Stanford, Cornell, Princeton, and St. Mary’s College of Maryland, each with five investigations each.

“On Wisconsin! At least we beat OSU at something,” Turner Schumacher said, a UW junior studying finance.

The statement continued: “UW-Madison is dedicated to taking a broad array of steps to ignore and divert attention from this problem for as long as it can possibly get away with.”

According to the Sexual Misconduct and Sexual Assault Climate Survey conducted in the spring, 27.6 percent of undergraduate women at UW have experienced nonconsensual sexual touching or penetration.

“We have made the university’s approach to sexual violence as transparent as possible – so transparent, that it is virtually non-existent. When a student reports an instance of sexual assault, we take the paperwork and play trashketball with it. That’s our policy, which we believe to be in accordance with the Wisconsin Idea.”

Further, UW students say they are satisfied with UW’s provisions.

“I’m so glad to know the administration has reached out to let us know they have heard us,” said Jennifer McHolden, an undeclared sophomore. “I mean, not anything more than that, but at least they know that we’re pissed.”

This statement was released in the wake of the arrest of Alec Cook, a UW student facing up to 34 charges related to sexual assault of multiple women. Cook has been placed on emergency suspension and is not permitted at UW.

“This is the absolute worst-case scenario for any student accused of sexual assault, and I can assure you this almost never happens to students,” the statement continued. “It’s a real bummer that this media shitstorm is occurring right after Freakfest. Don’t let this ruin the greatest time of the year to turn up!”

The statement closed as such: “If this stuff bothers you, can you please just find a good therapist or something? Seriously, don’t make it a big deal. I need to finish watching ‘Black Mirror’.”

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