Snacking on a caffeinated Clif Bar following his climb up Bascom Hill, Junior Jordan Michelson announced publicly that he owes all of his climbing success to his earth-colored headband, above-knee cargo shorts fitted with a carabiner, and his forest-green Chacos. Michelson began the treacherous journey at 7:20 am Wednesday morning and finished the trek at 7:24, the fifth-fastest time in the history of the university, but says that he owes it all to the Chacos.
“Listen, I’m a fan of the outdoors somewhat” said Michelson, wiping sweat from his brow with a Patagonia towel “but as much as I want to say that my quest was completed due to my love of adventure, it’s not true. It really comes down to this gear, man. I look like a creature of the forest! But really, if we’re talking gear, we gotta talk about these goddamn chacos.”
Michelson said that he first bought the “magic” sandals at a strip mall in his hometown of Washington D.C.and that as soon as he put them on, he knew that it was his destiny to put warm grainy filters on landscape shots and climb relatively tall things.
“As soon as I got to UW” said Michelson “These Chacos moved my feet to Bascom,” as he took a moment to admire the view from the Lakeshore path after his momentous achievement “And as I stood there basking in the height and majesty of it, I could almost hear my Chacos speaking. And they said ‘Jordan, climb this. Be the guy that angsty teenagers patrolling Instagram travel accounts want to be.’”
Michelson then disposed of his Clif Bar wrapper on the ground and announced that his next conquest will be an attempt to climb the rock wall in The Sett.