UW Drama Department Fucking Tired Of Request To Perform “Grease”

Arts Committee begs public to stop demands for “shit-awful musical.”

While excited for the spring performance of renowned musical Legally Blonde and the attention it’s receiving from campus, the UW Theatre Department stated in a recent Facebook update that the musical Grease is not a foreseeable musical for UW Theater and that members of the community should stop asking for it.

“I get emails every week from members of the Madison community trying to tell me Grease is still the word and that the hand-jive is the bee’s knees. To that, I say absolutely not. No, nope not even a little, at all,” UW Theatre Musical Producer and Director Johanna Saldovar stated.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, KENICKIE!
SHUT THE FUCK UP, KENICKIE!

Grease is a fucking mess. I’m not putting on a show that advocates for teens to conform, smoke cigarettes and have unprotected sex that could lead to pregnancy. Any other musical request will suffice. A two hour-long production of a chorus holding a high G would be preferable. So stop asking us, I fucking beg of you.”

“John Travolta literally handwrote a letter telling us Grease needs to be performed on this campus,” head UW theater technician Bert Flerd stated.

“He even offered to play the lead role Danny Zuko again for old time-sake. He signed the letter with several hearts and kissy lips, ‘xoxo, John Travolta. P.S. I think I would get along well with a young woman to play Sandy. Twenty years old, fit, blonde. Yeah, that would be good.’”

UW Students who are eager to see Legally Blonde spoke evenly on the matter, resoundingly proclaiming their passion for Grease. Freshman Bethany Graquex stated, “I just really, really hope Grease comes to our campus before I graduate! I love musicals. High School Musical, High School Musical 2 and High School Musical 3. Grease is just like all those musicals but from another generation! It’s almost like The Lizzie McGuirre Movie, but in America instead of Italy. Love it!”

Even with such zeal for Grease potential, Saldovar remained firm on her stance. “I feel on behalf of both UW Theatre and the UW Drama Department, that the prospects for Grease will never come to fruition, ever. Not in the context of a theatre of such integrity and caliber. I take this opportunity to tell the community it is in the best interests of everyone to never ask us about the matter again.”

“And to whoever left a burning pile of dog shit wrapped up in a poodle skirt on my front lawn this morning, you can simply drop dead.”

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