News / Sports

Entire State of Maryland does not get laid after Wisconsin-Maryland game

The night of Saturday, October 25th proved a dry one for the whole of Maryland.Sources report that after the Terrapins’ crippling loss to the Badgers in their Camp Randall debut, no one in the state of Maryland got any for a twenty-four hour period.

“This is unprecedented,” said a Maryland woman who requested anonymity, “The communal sex drive of nearly six million people shut down. Just like that. Nothing. Not so much as a peck on the cheek.”

"I kneel for thee, Maryland. But not for you, Greg."

“I kneel for thee, Maryland. But not for you, Greg.”

“Around the Badger’s fourth touchdown, my boyfriend literally quit mid-blowjob,” insisted Maryland resident Andrew Breakfast.

“I wasn’t even mad. I was disappointed. We both were. They made it look like scoring on us was the easiest thing in the world.”

Experts were initially hesitant to attribute the sudden loss of sexual attraction to the football game, but eventually, the evidence was overwhelming. According to science person Pamela Matthews, “We knew the team wasn’t having any sex after that abysmal performance. I mean, c’mon. They were outfoxed on all sides – offense, defense, not playing like high schoolers. What we never anticipated was such a widespread loss of libido. Look at this,” she said, pointing to a chart.

“Erections were at an all time low, starting around noon and continuing until the next morning. We still haven’t returned to average stats.”

Despite this, Maryland fans remain hopeful that things will return to status quo again soon. Perhaps, the next time they make the long journey to Madison, they will bring their Big 10 game. And, maybe, someone in The Old Line State will get a little action.

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