It’s that time of year again. Time for you to slack off at class, work, and everywhere else in your life because of one thing and one thing only – freaking out over your NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. The amount of money you gamble on this is more than your parents pay for tuition, so you need to make sure you fill your bracket with one hundred percent accuracy.
Good news for you, the Madison Misnomer has called on it’s sports guru, Mark Cologne, to provide you with the perfect bracket. He picked the games the only way he knows how – seeing which school’s nickname/mascot would would win in a cage match to-the-death against one another.
First Round Buy-Ins
N.C. A&T Bulldogs vs. Liberty Flames
– Can a Bulldog put out a Flame? No. Fur is extremely flammable. Game goes to the Flames.
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders vs. Saint Mary’s Gaels
– Gaels are the speakers of one of the Goidelic Celtic languages. A Raider is a man who adventures through dangerous old tombs for adventure. A Raider’s toned muscles from adventuring will give them a definite victory over the vocal chords.
Louisville Cardinals vs. Liberty Flames
– A Cardinal can fly over a Flame until it goes out. Game over.
Colorado State Rams vs. Missouri Tigers
– One of the more intriguing matchups, but you gotta give the advantage to a Tiger. Tigers are used as aphrodisiacs because they’re aggressive and potent creatures. Rams are used to make horns to sell Ricola. I mean, honestly. Also, they’re associated with the St. Louis Rams, which is a death sentence for anything.
Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Oregon (Fighting) Ducks
– What the fuck is a fighting duck? A duck that may slap you with its feathery wings? Oh man. That’s A LOT to handle. No, shut up. Give it to the Cowboys. It’s like the NES Duck Hunt game. It’s target practice for the Cowboys.
Saint Louis Billikens vs. New Mexico State Aggies
– What the fuck are either of these things? I guess a Billiken can kill an Aggie. Sure. Why not?
Memphis Tigers vs. Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
– If it’s the kind of Raider that steals stuff at sea, pretty sure a Tiger could totally wreck that. Did you see how strong that tiger was in Life of Pi? Chump meat. If it’s the adventuring raider, Tigers will still bite down into Indiana Jones’ legs like tooth picks.
Michigan State Spartans vs. Valparaiso Crusaders
– It’s like pitting Gerard Butler against a Not-So-Brave Sir Robin. (Picture an even more out-of-shape version of your Uncle Lenny) Think about who would do well in that cage match. In other words, laugh as Uncle Lenny gets his shit rocked.
Creighton Bluejays vs. Cincinnati Bearcats
– Just picture a Bearcat in your head. A bear, but also a cat. With the tenacity of both. That’s scary as shit. Sorry, Bluejays. You look like cornish game hens to a Bearcat.
Duke Blue Devils vs. Albany Great Danes
– A Blue Devil makes no sense, but a Great Dane is still a pathetic, domesticated animal. Big as a miniature pony, but that’s still not helping out their argument. Using the powers of Hell, a Blue Devil makes Scooby-Doo wish he had never meddled with them.
Louisville Cardinals vs. Missouri Tigers
– Unless you think the Cardinal has a chance to poke out the Tiger’s eyes, there is no real contest here. This isn’t a Peregrine falcon we’re talking about here. It’s a Cardinal, the lamest of all Midwestern, backyard-bird-feeder birds. Tigers will knock it out with one swipe of the claw, like Scar on Zazu.
Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Saint Louis Billikens
– We let the imaginary creature go this far, but no longer. I’m sorry Billiken, cross between Buddha and an elf, but a Cowboy will own you. It’s like Cowboys vs. Aliens all over again. [Editor’s Note: Don’t worry, he didn’t actually see that film.] [Other Editor’s Note: This one did see it. That’s an accurate comparison.]
Memphis Tigers vs. Michigan State Spartans
– Remember that scene in 300 where Leonidas shoves his spear through that giant wolf’s head? Yeah, that was when he was a baby Spartan. Imagine what a full grown Spartan would do to a tiger. No match.
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Duke Blue Devils
– At this point, I’m convinced that a Blue Devil would just be some fat guy dressed as a Devil at a Halloween party, too drunk off Natty Light to put up any sort of fight. Also, at this point, I’m convinced that a Bearcat was developed in an Austrian lab solely for the purpose to be killing machines. Give it to the Bearcat.
Missouri Tigers vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys
– The classic matchup between Cowboys and Tigers. Except that never happened. This match will be determined before it happens. The Tiger takes the easier road to this matchup, which inevitably is the downfall of the Cowboy. After all, he’s only human. Crouching Tiger, Dead-ass Cowboy.
Michigan State Spartans vs. Cincinnati Bearcats
– This is cage match that would put UFC to shame. Can someone actually make this happen? Please? The Spartans have probably lost a lot of their size along the road to the semifinals, so the “300” are probably more like seventeen or so. Either way, a Bearcat. Let me repeat that: a Bearcat. I’m moving on.
Missouri Tigers vs. Cincinnati Bearcats
– Nature has finally had its day. This match is the epitome of Survival of the Fittest. The only question now is – Which one is more fit? After considering both animals’ roads to getting here and the previous wounds each ones may have suffered (given minimal healing – two days between each round), the Bearcat is suffering, at worst, from gauges from the spear. The Tiger, though, has suffered slightly worse odds – gunshot wounds. You have to think that, though both animals are in some pain, a bullet still gets deeper than the sword. Bearcat by the skin of its teeth.
MIDWEST REGION CHAMPIONS: Cincinnati Bearcats
– The Bearcat doesn’t get off easy, but at the end of the day, it’s full from tasty Tiger meat.